Thanksgiving!

2005 was a year for fears and healing for me... I am continuing to print segments of my diary from that time when the unknown put fear in me - and Christ's arms provided the calm of my days.

Sunday, October 23rd, 2005 – A Personal Thanksgiving! This year I truly had a lot to be thankful for. My family, my friends, my faith, my health. It looks like I will be around kicking and screaming, and laughing, and crying, and praying, and rejoicing for years, unless something happens. It doesn't look like Multiple Myeloma will be the cause of my death – at least not right now.

When I went to the doctor on the 17th of October, she told me that there was one little spot on the x-rays that may or may not be due to Multiple Myeloma. She set an appointment to do a bone marrow biopsy on the 21st. One more trip - one more week of waiting.

The Lord is so good to me. I am surrounded by peace. All around me - like the arms of God. My mind wanders to fear - and God wraps His arms around me in Peace. I'm afraid, and He comforts me and quietens my fears. I'm lonely and He sends friends or family to fill the hole. Life is so much easier when I turn it over to God. I can't help but wonder why I try to hold on to all of the little details all of the time.

The biopsy wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Jean and Lynda were there - as always to wait with me. I thought that I would be knocked out - unconscious. I was wide awake and talking through the procedure. The worse part - other than the waiting - was the local anesthesia. Novocaine stings! Dr. Arb is very calming and very kind - as is her staff!

OK. Back on the road for another week. This time in Jacksonville. At least I don't have to teach - I'm an observer. I don't have to be on the "stage" - all smiles and all is well this week. I'm just another face in the class.

My friends check in on me during the week. My cousins check in on me during the week. My son checks in on me during the week. I am constantly reminded of my blessings - and continually feel God's Peace around me. One more week and I'll know.

Wednesday afternoon, October 26th - Dr. Arb's nurse calls. She leaves a message on my cell phone. I call her back. Dr. Arb still wants to see me on Friday - but she wanted me to know that the biopsy shows that I do not have Multiple Myeloma. She didn't want me to worry about that any more. Praise God! PRAISE GOD! PRAISE GOD!

I close my eyes in that little conference room in Jacksonville and thank God. I cry! Tears of relief! Tears of joy! Tears of Praise!

I tell the folks I'm working with of my joy. Most of them didn't even know I was having tests done. I leave a message for Tripp! I call Jean! I call Lynda! I call Betty! I talk to Rita! I cry more! I rejoice more! And I thank God more!

I head to the airport to come home for my appointment. I call Colleen from the airport. I talk to Lewis. It's done. I don't know what IS wrong, but I know what ISN'T wrong. The "ISes" couldn't be as bad as the "ISN'T".

As I sit in the airport, I wonder - Why was I spared? Why are so many wonderful people not spared? How does God choose - who lives and who doesn't? I know that I wasn't spared because I am a better person. There are too many other people who are truly better than I am who are not spared hearing the words that I dreaded so to hear. How does God choose? Why does He choose who He chooses? What could His formula be?

And I know, that I will not ever know Why or How. Not in this lifetime. One day I will. One day, when God is ready for me to be the one that is chosen to be taken - to be with Him. Then I'll know. Then, I'll have the answer. Until then, I have my faith. Until then, I have to trust that God does know the "big plan" - and He knows that I don't need to know it.

You know - I hate not knowing things. Yet, I am at peace that I won't know the answer to this one right now. And it's ok. He's got the whole world in His hands! You and me brother - you and me sister - all the answers - they are in His hands! I just can't think of anyone or anything whose hands I would rather be in.

Friday, October 28th 1:15 p.m. Jean picks me up - Lynda is there. They have been with me every time I walked through the door to Dr. Arb's office. This time, they went to the room with me. (They did have to walk away while I weighed in.) Dr. Arb gave me the details of the disease that I do have - Monoclonal Gammopathy. Nothing to worry about - we'll just keep an eye on it - yearly checks. Thank God!

So, life goes on. I go through the joys and the hurts, the peace and the fears, the blessings from God and the fear of Satan. And it is good. I am better equipped to handle life. I feel God's arms around me. I feel the pulse of His hands as He holds my life in His hands. I know that God will do what is right in my life. I know that He will give me what I need to make it through every day of life on this earth until I am with Him.

So on Thanksgiving, 2005 I share my thanks with God, and the Kendrick family. I feel God's presence there. I call many of the people who I love to let them know how thankful I am for them. I am aware that I was spared from this cancer for a reason. I feel the need to find out what God's plan for my life is. I feel the need to be Christ's tool to others on this earth. I know that I was spared for a reason. I want to act on it.

God is so Good! And he is right here just like He always has been! Praise God!