In Memory of Paul and Thelma

This time of year always makes me miss my parents even more than usual.  The last time I saw my Daddy was on Thanksgiving day in 1992.  He was teasing a little lady at the nursing home.  He laughed like a 12 year old boy when she glared at him.  He stood at the door to mother's room and then directed the nurse to make sure she was resting OK.  And he didn't move until the nurse went to check.  He had the concern of a man for his wife.   He died the next week. 

The day of Daddy's funeral, my mother developed pneumonia.  We couldn't wake her the next morning.  We spent the night after Daddy's funeral at the hospital where they told us that Mother would most likely not live through the night.  I knew she would.  I knew that she knew that I couldn't take losing both of my parents in a week.  She lived for 5 weeks.  She lived until I understood that she would never come back to the person that she was and I was able to let her go.  Mothers are like that - always thinking about their children...  I thank God for that. 

Mother was probably my very best friend in the world.  No one could read me or understand me like she did.  She knew when I was naughty - and when I was nice... she knew what I was thinking before I did.

I remember praying that year in 1992 that God would let us keep her on this earth for Christmas... He did.  I opened her gifts for her at the hospital on Christmas afternoon.  She never wore the clothes that I had wrapped for her.

I prayed that God would let me keep her until after my birthday...  He did.  Her mind was clear for a moment and we talked about when we were both younger for a short time at the hospital that day.  That was nice.

I prayed that God would let her stay until after the New Year... He did. 

Some days she seemed better than others.  And I hoped that she was going to get well.  Until she had a seizure one day and I realized that she was on this earth on borrowed time.  I realized that I had to let her go to her heavenly home - to my Daddy, who she loved - to our Heavenly Father, who she always put her faith in.

Mother died the second week of January in 1993.  And I still miss her and Daddy every single day.  I still want to talk to Mama when I am proud of an accomplishment, or upset at a failure, or glad, or mad, or sad, or confused, or hurt or full of joy.  She always had a way to set the path straight for me and help me to see the right way.   I miss her most when something happens with my children.  The first call I made was to mother.  I still reach for the phone unconsciously after all these years. 

• Like when Tripp found Nikki.  I cried at their wedding because I knew how proud Gangy would have been to see Tripp wait to walk his bride down the aisle.  She would have cried, too... seeing what an honorable and handsome man he was and what an absolutely perfect bride he chose.
• Like when Holly and Andrew married and beautiful Holly walked down the aisle with a huge smile at their beautiful lakeside wedding.  Gangy would have been astounded when Holly gave her Uncle BB a high five as she walked down the aisle - but she would have laughed through tears of joy.
• Like when Jenna wore Gangy's hat at her 30th birthday party.  Gangy would have smiled that smile of hers and nodded at how beautiful Jenna is.  And she would have been so proud of the little southern belle that Jenna turned out to be - in spite of spending a few years in Philadelphia.
• Like when Levi was born.  How I wanted to call my mother to tell her that I finally knew how she felt when her grand babies were born.  How I wanted to share the joy of holding that little boy for the first time - although I would have probably had to let her hold him for a minute, too.

I want to tell her how great it is to be in love / how lucky I am to have Lamar in my life / how wonderful his family is / how his son and daughter in law are mine and his granddaughters - well, they are mine, too.  Mother would have absolutely loved those little girls - especially when Kieran and Leah say "fooooaaaahhh" instead of four.  (I'm sure my mother somehow taught them how to talk like that.)

I want to tell her how happy I was to get a perfect job this year and how much I hope that I will have it next year after another acquisition.  I want to hear her and her brothers and sisters laugh while my cousins and I play together after all these years.  I want to tell her how I wish I had the wisdom that I have now when I was younger and just thought I was smart!  There are so many things I want to talk to her about.

And I don't look out my back door on my deck without thinking how much mother would have loved to sit out there by the marsh and listen to the sounds of nature. 

I miss Mama and Daddy.  I wish I had them back just for a week - or a day - or an hour.  I have a lot of questions to ask and a lot of things to share.  I want to know how they think I've handled my life - if they are proud of me.  I want to tell them how thankful I am that they instilled a strong faith in me - even when I fought them about it.  I want to thank them for giving me life. 

And I want to apologize to them for not letting them know how much I loved them when they were here.  I took care of my parents when they needed me to... I just wish I had done it with more joy.  I wish that I had slowed down when I emptied their trash, or did their grocery shopping, or chauffeured them to the doctor, or sat with them at the hospital, or done all the other little chores/  I wish I had done those things with joy in my heart instead of thinking where I needed to be next.  Because, now... they are gone.  And now... I can't call redo and start over. 

But, thanks to the faith that they instilled in me, I know that they know what's important.  Maybe I can't hear their voices or see their faces, but I know that they know.  They just have a different view - a better view - of what's going on down here.  Oh, I do miss them... yet I know that they are here with me... along with my brother and other loved ones who are with them in heaven.  Wow!  What a party that must be!  Y'all don't talk about anything interesting until I get there, you hear!??!!

Lord, how do I thank you for my very life.  Of all the miracles of this world, life is definitely the most astounding.  There are so many "what ifs" in this miracle.  Lord, I thank you for many things in life - most of all I thank you for my parents, who - with you - gave me life.  And for the guidance and love that they provided.  Help me to use what they provided to go into the world and be the very best that I can be.  Hold those I love close, Lord.  And save me a spot because I'm coming.   PS Lord, I'm not in a great big hurry, but I sure hope you will save me a spot when I get there.  Amen.