I Think I'll Write That Book!

Just a reminder - I told you this diary was rambling...

I think I'll write that book! That was my first thought on Saturday, October 8th. For years, I've asked God what I should do with my life. I always get the same answer - Write a Book. I never have. I never took the time. I never knew exactly what God wanted me to write about. Well, I'm thinking today. God got my attention.

I'm writing a book about my life. I don't know how long the book will be - it may end on Tuesday after my lab work. I may hear that the results are good and pack this book away until I get another scare. And then, the results might not be so good. I may continue writing. I don't know how long this book will be. I don't know how it will end - but I hope that it has a happy ending. No matter what, I'm thinking now. I finally heard you, God!

I got up this morning and checked to see how much life insurance I have. I want to leave my kids something substantial, but if I only have three years, I ain't gonna sit here and save money for them! I'm gonna do some traveling and build up some debt. I just want to make sure that they will come out in the black with a little pocket money when I'm done! They should be all right.

If necessary, I need to make of list of who gets what special things. I don't want a fight after I'm going about who gets this and who gets that. I don't want to tear my children apart when I die (whether soon or in many years). I want them to become closer and closer.

And I need to change my will.
And I want to go to Hawaii.

And I may need to talk to John about my funeral - I want lots of cars, stories, smiles, Glory to God for my life, and music (the good ole kind and the new praise kind - but not the dreary 1800 stuff!). I also want crazy "birthday" glasses, kazoos, and a little beer at my visitation. That way, I know my friends will show up!

Lynda talked about her grandchild yesterday. I wondered if I would ever see my grandchildren. OK - That thought is making me tear up as I write this. I hope I do see them and see them a lot and for a long time. But, if I don't, I know that they will be just fine (as well as extremely beautiful and smart!)

I thought about how and when I would talk to my babies if the results on Tuesday are bad. Over the phone? Hmmm. Tripp would be strong on the outside but break apart on the inside. Holly wouldn't do so hot. Jenna would cry and cry and come home. The last thing I want to do is tear their lives apart. They are doing well and I don't want to force them to give up their lives. Maybe I'll tell them that it is really important to me that they come home for Thanksgiving. I can tell them when they are all together. Maybe I won't have to tell them anything, except that I had a scare and all is well. But, they could still come home for Thanksgiving! (A little guilt / applied with just the right amount of pressure / bake for a few days - it might work!) I thank God for my children. They are the greatest blessings of my life.

I don't think I'll call the kids for a few days. I don't want to open my big mouth and say anything, and I'm bad about that. I'll call them the middle of next week from Orlando - after I hear from the Doctor. If they call me, I'll ask only about them - I won't talk about me!

I really need to go see Uncle Tom and my cousin Betty next time I'm near Gastonia. I've put that on the back burner for months. I'll be in Charlotte week after next. I'll have to make time then, no matter what.

Uncle Tommy gave me my first lesson in accounting. He and my daddy are probably the biggest reasons that I went into the banking business. When I was little, I stayed a lot at the furniture store. I either "worked" in the back office with the adding machine and stapler or went out "collecting" with Uncle Tommy. He let me keep the ledger cards. I'd tell him the name and address of the next customer. After he collected the money, he would tell me how much he collected and I would write down the amount and subtract it out to get the new balance. I know he couldn't have worked those Saturday collection routes without me! He sure was patient with me. I thank God for him.

Thursday, I was looking for a new job in a new town. I was worried about whether I should even consider making a move. Well, I'm not worried about that right now. You know what they say - "when God closes a door, He opens a window". Well He closed the door on my thinking about a job, and He opened a window to enable me to sit down and write - right here in Wilmington.

I guess that I will need to get a wig if I have to go through chemo. I learned from Carol to get that done before I start losing my hair. I hope I get a good wig if I have to get one. Nothing worse than a bad wig.

I called the cousins today. They are on their way to Savannah. I talked to Liz. She didn't mention the test results, but I know that she and Jean are yapping about all the “what ifs” in the world. It's hard for Liz to talk about such things. She is more private. But, I know that she is concerned. I thank God for her!

My friend Betty called - just to check up to make sure that I'm not depressed. She and Dan are a great Life Line. Betty is always available for a quick "kick in the butt" when I get down and out. She just won't have it. She is a great example of what living is all about. She has Rheumatoid Arthritis and even on bad days, she's cooking and caring for others. What a gift she is in my life.

And then there's Uncle Dan. He is Dan the Man of "Dan the Man and the Hooter Girls". He always watches out for Betty - and Lynda - and me. He told Betty once that he was put on this earth to entertain the three of us. He does a great job. I love it when he opens his mouth and laughs out loud. A few margaritas or beers usually help with that, although he has been known to laugh without them - just not on Friday nights! I thank God for him!

Well, I think I will go fix some leftover Tacos for lunch. You know how it is - just another day!

The afternoon and the night is pretty long. It has rained all morning - and yesterday - and the day before. I didn't get dressed all day. I read. I watched TV. I tried not to think. I thought too much. But, I did all right.

Sunday was busy during the day. I rode with Lynda to pick up the kids from camp. We had a great time talking - but didn't concentrate on the tests I will have done Tuesday. Lynda is great at just letting me be normal. I know that she knows that I am thinking about my tests. I know that she thinks about them, too. But she acts normal and allows me to act normal, too. We did normal things / talked about normal things / laughed and did a little fussing.  The boys whispered in the back of the church van about girls on the retreat and they giggled.  They were so cute!!!!

Jenna called me to tell me that she is "grumpin". My poor baby girl. The pet store sold her kitty – the very one she had intended to buy. She was so upset. I told her that another kitty needed her more than this one did. My baby girl... She is all grown up, but still my baby - when they sold her kitty, she called her mama to tell on them! She always makes me smile.

I intentionally didn't call Tripp or Holly because I wasn't feeling too steady Sunday night. I didn't want to mention anything until I know what to mention. I wonder how I will tell my children if the results aren't good. I worry a lot about that. I know that they will be fine, but I worry about that first shock and the end result shock. I guess that we can't make our children's lives as easy as we would like. I do love my three babies so - and thank God so much for the blessings that they are in my life.

I thought about Elkie today. I know that if these results are not good, Elkie will be over here in a flash with her health drinks. I hope she pushes fruit juices on me instead of veggie juice. I know that Elkie won't take no for an answer if I tell her that I don't want to drink her juices. They are good for me, she will say. I just love George and Elkie. And I know that they love me, too. I thank God for them.

Betty called to get me out of the house - help her take some stuff to the Church for Interfaith. She didn't need help, just wanted to check in. I was in PJs eating / watching TV /chillin / thinking / trying not to think. I told Betty that I was doing just fine. I was, but I tell you - I'm really getting scared.

I thought that I should clean the house. I managed to start the dishwasher and empty the trash. That's it. Of course, that's not too unusual. I probably wouldn't have done much more than that, anyway. It takes some boring stuff to get me in the mood to clean the house. That or company coming!